to put it lightly, i have No idea what’s up with my mental health at this point. i don’t know what it is exactly, but i’ve definitely been dealing with a ton of executive dysfunction, lack of motivation to do anything even remotely ambitious, and i have Lots of trouble being sincere. it’s super hard for me to accept anything like compliments half the time because i guess i’m just afraid to show that genuine part of me or something… but. Yea. to anyone who may be reading this, and to anyone who’s taken a genuine liking to my stuff (and yes, i have seen it), i just want you to know that it really does mean the world to me, and everyone who’s stuck by me means just as much. these little things are some of the only reasons i haven’t kicked the bucket yet, and i mean that 100%. properly responding to people is something i struggle with immensely, but trust me when i say i really do appreciate all of it. hopefully this serves as a decent start to me being a little more sincere lol
i’ve had undiagnosed autism my entire life. this lack of a proper diagnosis caused me to grow up living as a completely different version of myself; one that barely understood who i truly was or why i was so much different than the others, and one who was constantly brushed off as “the weird one”. consequentially, my development’s been pretty fucked up, and my childhood was not so great. i’m not gonna get into all the details, but all i can say is that words of encouragement and proper guidance, especially as a kid, can go a long way. a couple years ago i took the time to truly process my childhood for the first time, and it’s was downright awful; my drive to do anything at all was almost completely shattered, and i regularly considered the idea of suicide. had a date & method planned out and everything. honestly i don’t even know how i managed to work through it all, and even to this day i’m still trying to figure things out. for god knows how long now, i’ve dealing with a plethora of issues in relation to low self-esteem, anxiety, and the works, and over the past month or so i’ve been suspecting that i might have either ADHD/ADD, regular depression, or bipolar. no idea which one applies to me – i’d rather see a doctor than make blind assumptions
because of this, don’t expect much of a commitment to my larger, more ambitious projects for the time being. i can’t willingly go about doing so while i’m feeling like this lest i burn myself out and give up on them entirely, or worse
the only reason i’m even admitting all of this is because nobody is perfect. we all have things that have happened to us in one way or another, and i’m tired of always shutting these feelings out in favor of being Wow Random XDDDD 100% of the time. i want to actually be a Serious Person for a change and i’m tired of my identity being so fractured. if you happened to read through all of this, once again, thank you. i’m sorry you had to read all of this, but at the same time i’m also very grateful. hopefully within the next few months i can finally see a doctor or a therapist to get my shit figured out. i’m so tired of living like this and pretending i’m ok lol